Alone

Tonight is the first time we have been alone in the last 5 weeks. Mum went home today, and I must admit the place is already a bit of a shambles. Thanks again mum, for everything. After a visit from Grandad and Uncle Jarrad this afternoon, Karli and I were left to our own devices, and as expected we have been a little low. I made sure I had something that I could focus my attention on. Karli is feeling a bit anxious, understandably, and the whole situation is overwhelming for both of us. It still sounds quite foreign to say that Oliver has cancer, and I can feel us slowly approaching a collapse. I think we need it.

As Oliver continues to be more affected by his side effects, it becomes necessary for us to become more and more atuned to his cries and to be more ready to provide any pain relief he may need. This isn't an easy task. We are reticent to give him more drugs than he needs given the amounts that are being pumped in to him, and will continue to have pumped in to him over the year. But we need to remember that he is possibly (probably) in a fair amount of pain, and if not pain per se, he is likely to be feeling mighty uncomfortable. We think his mucusitis is gradually worsening, and his little bottom isn't in a good way either, though he is filling his nappies regularly. We just need to be on to it asap so that he doesn't sit in it for too long.

That said, Oliver had a pretty good day. He played well this morning, but has become increasingly unsettled as the day as passed, and is quite unsettled at the moment. I took him for a drive today but he didn't fall asleep as we would normally expect him too. In the mix of what's going on for Oliver is also the reality of the fact that he is a little 9 month old boy, and so we need to take that in to account when we are trying to figure out what our next step is.

What we do know is that we love our little man and that he brings so much joy to our hearts. It is so lovely to be able to cuddle him up; to sit and read him a story while he sits on my lap; to have him relax almost immediately when I kiss him on the cheek when he's in bed; to have him gaze at me and smile; to have him reach out for me when he's playing, just to make sure I'm still there. It's nice to know that despite my inability to do much for him, he still wants me there.