Hello all, its Karli here, I havent written for a while, but I just felt like it tonight, probably because I feel I need to do a little debriefing and venting. I think I thought that on this journey as we had experienced things before they would get easier but I discovered on Tuesday that they dont. I had to hand my little boy over to the team to be put under anaesthetic again and I cried. Now I find out today that I have to do that all again tomorrow as they have decided to remove Olivers port and put a new one in. We did think that this was coming and in the long run it makes things easier for him and removes some of the need for finger pricks, but that doesnt make it any easier for any of us.
To top it all off, I woke up to a steroidal monster this morning, he is eating us out of house and home, well not quite, but chugging down his solids and wanting to breastfeed with desperation, but the hardest part is because he is irritable, not knowing what he needs or wants - the same questions, is he still hungry? Is he in pain? Is he just grumpy? I like routine, so that fact that our routine is put out by all of this, I do not cope too well with. Needless to say that by the time I got the phonecall from Angela regarding the port I was none too happy and Simon got home at lunchtime to a screaming baby and a sobbing wife. I admit that this sobbing does not happen often and is something I should do more of, I tend to bottle things up until the volcano erupts and there is no stopping those tears.
Good news today is that I had a hair cut and a lovely head massage, although the thought of having to sit there and explain my life at the moment made me a little anxious, I managed to avoid the topic until 3/4 of the way through so I only had to talk for a little while about how sucky my life is at the moment. All the while the hair dresser is telling me to stay positive that that is the best thing to do and surprisingly I was quite calm and just nodded, but normally when people say stuff like that I get irate, as I feel that it devalues my feelings and my current situation and you know what sometimes I dont feel positive and dont want to be and want to be allowed to just say things are crap!
Blogs are good, but on some level I feel scared that you will all get to know more of the real me, which you may not like or it will no longer allow me to hide behind a facade of coping when I am not. I always feel compelled to add something positive at the end, knowing that everyone wants to hear positive, but I am not going to be sucked into that just because I feel it would make everyone feel better because that is not what this is about.
I thank you for reading and following our journey and for accepting us as we are and accepting that just like everyone we have our good days and our bad.
Oliver is going into theatre at 4:15 to have his port removed and a new one inserted, we would value your prayers for this and also that we would all remain sane as he has to fast for part of tomorrow and he will be very hungry - therefore making for a difficult situation.
God Bless
Lots of Love
Karli
5 comments:
Karli & Simon.
I am so glad that you do have this blog to be able to vent your frustrations at your situation. Im not going to give you the old cliches that you are sick of hearing...... but more to say that we are hear, with open hearts & open arms for you both, in your tears and your joys.
We hope that everything goes good tomorrow for Olivers port change. That you can manage him whilst he is fasting & sending him in for a GA again....... bless you both.
Loves and Hugs
Michelle
Dearest Karli
About half an hour ago I was looking thru some old photos for another reason and came across some of you at your wedding and some of us having great times in Busselton many years ago. This prompted me to look at your blog as hadn't been on yet today. You are so very strong and brave, and as I said before, you are allowed bad days!! Who ever really knows another person - most of us live part of our lives behind some kind of facade. You should vent and cry and write what ever you want. Let all the anguish and anger out. What is really important is that when you hold you beautiful baby boy in your arms he can only feel your unconditonal love.
Thinking of you all often.
Much love Jeanette x
Ditto to the comments below. Karli - I love you - warts and all. Especially in the honest moments when you let yourself truely speak your mind. Sobbing is soooooo necessary in such times. You are both complete troopers - and we will be thinking of you especially tomorrow as you love and care for a hungry steroidal oli! big hugs xoxox Elisa
Arrrggghhh!! I feel like I should take back my words (from yesterdays comment) about "how well you are dealing with everything"... but then I thought for a second... and you know what? You ARE dealing with everything, and doing it well. Sometimes, yes, you may feel like you are falling apart, but all anyone can ever say of you is that you are a loving, caring, and sometimes emotional, yet very "real" mum... and that's what you are...
Love Sytarnya x x
Thankyou, for sharing guys, always a good reality check for me to read your blog. I'l be praying for a better week for you in time for your first fathers day.
Deb & Lolly
xx
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